


Let Me Go

by saucyminx



Series: The House Rules [8]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-16
Updated: 2011-06-16
Packaged: 2017-10-28 12:47:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A novel length story of a struggling country singer and the young man who tries to change his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chad was fairly certain he hadn’t felt this excited since he’d gotten his acceptance letter for school. He nearly ran down the hallway, skidding and almost slamming into the door of their apartment. He fumbled with the handle for a minute before he managed to get it open, laughing with the hard shove. “Christian!” Chad called out, rushing into the apartment.

There was a box along the entrance that Chad kept meaning to unpack but hadn’t gotten around to. As he kicked his shoes off his toe jammed hard into the bottom of the box and he hissed, jumping back. “Ow. Ow. _Fuck_. Christian?” Chad hopped on one foot down the hall to the bedroom, collapsing on the bed.

The bathroom door was closed and Chad grinned, rolling off the bed and half limping to the door. “Christian? Let me in, you showering? I wanna shower with you.” He grasped the knob, frowning when he realized it was locked.

Rubbing at the water in his eyes, Christian pulled the shower curtain back and stepped out of the tub long enough to flip the lock on the door and pull it open. "Fuck, it's cold," he complained as he clambered back in.

Chad grinned and pushed his way into the bathroom, already pulling his shirt off. “Why the hell was the door locked? Who else is going to try and get into the bathroom?” Chad was still buzzing with excitement and he fumbled with the button on his jeans before shoving them off.

“I dunno, didn’t think about it - automatic.” Christian yelled over the rush of the water and tilted his head back to rinse the rest of the shampoo out of his hair. He opened one eye and peered at Chad as he almost _bounced_ into the tub. “You seem... happy?”

“I can’t be happy?” Chad laughed and slid up against Christian’s water slick back, wrapping his arms around Christian’s middle and nudging his hair back. “Mm, nothing like coming home to my man naked and wet.” Chad let himself be distracted by a flattened palm on Christian’s chest, brushing slow over his nipple.

Christian let his head fall back and leaned against Chad. It had been a long day of rehearsing and arguing with Steve about song choices for their upcoming show. The shower was the first time he'd felt the slightest bit relaxed all day.

His hand covered Chad's, fingers sliding in between the ones that were making his skin tingle as it warmed. "What's got you so happy?"

An almost giddy laugh fell from Chad and rocked them slightly from side to side. “Well, I got the job.” Honestly Chad hadn’t expected to be so lucky. He knew college graduates who searched for years for a job in their field. But after only a few months and less than half a dozen interviews, Chad had gotten a position in the research and study field at the university. Apparently being on a first name with his professors had helped in the long run.

“Really?” Christian spun in Chad’s arms and looked up with a smile on his face. “Get out! Already? I thought I was gonna have you as my house boy for at least a few weeks.”

Chad laughed louder and shook his head. “You will. I won’t start for a couple weeks; they’re bringing on a new project. I get a hiring bonus soon though.” It felt a little surreal, the flare of success, like all the hard work he’d put himself through for years was finally paying off. “God, can you believe this? It’s perfect. Work’s only ten minutes away, I can finally start paying for things, spoil my man.” Chad grinned and swayed his hips against Christian’s, his only little happy dance.

“Already spoil me,” Christian murmured. It was kind of hard to focus on the news when Chad was wet and rubbing up against him. _Not_ that Christian was complaining. “What kind of work will you be doing? Is it full time?”

“I was hired as full time but Mark said the hours would shift depending on the role I took. Putting it simply? I’m going to be a scientist.” Chad smirked, hands running over Christian’s arms. “So you better get used to having a nerd boyfriend. I’m going to be part of the team doing studies on material harvested from a local cave exploration initially.”

“That’s real great,” Christian said. His smile widened slightly then wavered and he slid his palms over Chad’s slick skin and pulled him into his body. “You should be real proud.”

“I am. Aren’t you proud of me?” Chad watched the emotions playing across Christian’s face, not sure he could name them all.

“‘Course I am. You’re - you’re like a professional now. You gotta wear a shirt and tie to work? Get all dressed up and stuff?” Smiling, Christian turned in Chad’s arms again and let the hot water pound down onto his face for a few moments.

“Yeah, a work suit. I’ll have a lab coat at work. You’ll have to come and have lunch with me sometime,” Chad murmured and pressed up against Christian’s back once more, moaning when his already mostly interested cock rubbed against Christian’s ass. “Was thinking about working toward my doctorate too, you know, so I can be Dr. Murray.”

"Dr. Murray, huh?" Christian's body was responding to Chad's touches and he arched his back slightly. "You gonna get all fancy on me now?" Taking Chad's hands in his, Christian slid them down his body until he could slide them over his hardening shaft.

The air caught in Chad’s throat and he let Christian curl his fingers over the slick heated flesh, stroking slowly in time with the rock forward of his hips. “Not too fancy, still gonna be your southern boy. People will be impressed with me when I talk about my country star boyfriend.” Chad tilted toward Christian’s neck, parting his lips and sucking slowly over his skin.

"M'not a star, Chad. Don't think that's gonna ... uh...." Christian's hips were rocking forward slowly and he closed his eyes as he reached out to press a hand onto the warm wall tiles. "You're makin' my brain shut down," he mumbled.

“Mmhmm,” Chad hummed against Christian’s ear, sucking the fleshy lobe between his teeth and slowly dragging out. “You’re a star Christian, the fuckin’ brightest.” Chad smiled into Christian’s neck, rolling his hips harder forward. He turned them and backed up until he was leaning against the shower wall, holding Christian back against his body. “God, Christian,” Chad moaned at the friction filled rub, free hand curving over the man’s hip.

"Jesus." Just like that Christian's legs felt weak, his heart was pounding and he could feel the familiar tingle of pleasure coursing through him. Sliding his body against Chad's felt amazing; and though he might not admit it aloud, Chad's cock sliding along the crack of his ass was teasing all kinds of thoughts to life. “Sh..should take you out... to celebrate.”

“Yeah,” Chad breathed, eyes fluttering closed as he moved up against his boyfriend. It was a different kind of thrill and Chad wasn’t used to the trap of heated flesh moving against him. Normally it wouldn’t be like this and Chad wasn’t sure if it was that more than anything else that made it so _hot_. Or the fact that Christian seemed to be enjoying it. “Somewhere special,” he added breathlessly after a moment, squeezing his fingers around Christian and sliding faster up.

Christian reached back to grab Chad's ass and press him closer. The heat between their bodies was burning away the last of the tension in Christian's body. His hips jerked forward when Chad's thumb slid over the sensitive head of his cock and Christian moaned and let Chad take most of his weight.

The fact that Christian wanted him closer was almost maddening and Chad panted against his lover’s ear, his body rolling up and causing him to shudder. In one swift movement he rolled them, pressing Christian into the shower tile and sliding back up against his body. The water was still warm spraying over them and Chad brought his free hand up to grab Christian’s hand and slap it flat against the tile, his hips rolling down harder.

Lust shot through Christian's body and he gasped in a quick breath of air. For a moment he resisted, the muscles in his back tensing at the lack of control and then he felt the press of Chad's cock against his ass again and took a few deep breaths. "Jesus," he whispered. Dropping his forehead to the tile he curled his fingers tight through Chad's.

This was almost blowing Chad’s mind, the way he felt completely in control of what would happen next. He’d never experienced Christian like this and as he rolled his hips down again his lips moved to Christian’s ear. “Do you like this?” he asked in a deep murmur, strokes extending to slow and teasing, thumb rolling with purpose over the head. “Do you like me against you?”

"Fuck," Christian hissed. Chad's skin was slick and hot against him, and Christian could feel the way his legs were trembling with the strain of keeping him there. It went against everything he thought he liked; being held there, pressed up against the wall. Turning his face away Christian growled softly and tried half-heartedly to twist himself free. "Yes," he said softly.

Chad’s stomach twisted, heart skipping a beat as he moved against his lover. His mind was reeling, spiraling off with the possibility of things he could do. “Keep this here,” Chad _growled_ the words, pressing Christian’s hand hard against the tile before slipping his own free and sliding it down against the man’s side. He moved with slow, precise touches, waiting to find the moment Christian protested. His fingers slid across Christian’s ass, leg edging forward to press between Christian’s.

Christian could feel his face heating up; so many emotions were swirling around inside him that he squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his hand hard against the tile. "Chad," he murmured. His voice was shaky and low; throat tight and dry. But the press of Chad's leg between his sent a shudder of lust up his spine.

Panting roughly, Christian's hand slipped lower on the tile and he tensed slightly. Chad's fingers were ghosting over his ass and Christian tilted his head down, thumping his forehead against the tile gently. "Chad, I -" He let out a half moan; half gasp and widened his stance slightly.

“Shh, it’s okay,” Chad murmured and reluctantly moved his hips back, still stroking slowly over Christian’s cock. His next breath was tight in his chest as he let his fingers slowly part Christian’s ass. He expected to be stopped at any moment, like Christian would just shove him off and take him instead.

Swallowing thickly, Chad turned his gaze down, watching the water trail down between Christian’s parted muscles. Moving so slow it was almost unnoticeable, Chad slipped his fingers down until the tip of his index finger rubbed a slow circle around Christian’s tightly clenched entrance. “Okay?” he whispered, not pressing forward, just barely rubbing.

"Jesus Christ," Christian whispered. Everything inside him was churning and buzzing and he slid both hands up on the tile and rested his head on his arms. "Chad," he repeated softly. He was torn over feeling the heat of shame on his cheeks and the almost overwhelming burn of lust deep in his gut.

“God, Christian, you have no clue how fuckin’ hot this is.” Chad groaned and flipped water-damp hair back from his eyes, circling his finger with just a little more force. He’d never done this to anyone, never touched someone like this, and his heart was racing so fast it nearly hurt. His eyes fixed on Christian’s back, watching each subtle movement as he finally gave in to the desire to _know_ and pressed the tip of his index finger between tight muscles, sliding in to the middle knuckle and holding his breath.

The strange sensation of Chad's finger pushing into Christian's ass collided somewhere deep inside of him with the _want_ that coursed through his veins. Lifting his shoulders slightly, Christian dragged his hands down the wall and reached behind him to catch Chad's wrist in his. "I ... I can't," he rasped.

Can't was probably the wrong word but Christian's mind was spinning. _He_ wasn't the one who gave up control, _he_ wasn't that person. "Chad..."

Almost instantly Chad withdrew, releasing Christian and sucking in a deep breath as he stepped back. “Sorry, just, I got -” Chad dug his hand back through his hair, inhaling shakily and watching Christian’s back. He had no idea what was going to happen now, if Christian was upset, if Chad had just fucked everything up. “Just got carried away,” he whispered, reaching out to touch Christian’s back but falling short.

"Don't do that," Christian said. He turned slowly and rested back against the wall for a few moments before reaching out for Chad's hand. "It's not you -" When Chad's hand lifted hesitantly Christian pulled him back against his body and brushed his mouth over Chad's wet lips. “Don’t do that,” he whispered before sliding his tongue forward to press between Chad’s lips.

Chad kissed Christian back, relieved that the man wasn’t shoving him away. He sank into the heat of his lover, his heart slowing to a more manageable race. It wasn’t like he really wanted to fuck Christian anyway, not _really_ , it was just the thrill of something so new and _different_. “Don’t do what?” Chad asked after a few moments, lips barely parting from Christian’s.

“Say sorry all the time,” Christian said. “It’s like you think everything is your fault all the time and … I mean, if one of us is fucked up...” Christian smiled slightly and closed his eyes as he pressed soft kisses across Chad’s bottom lip then along his jaw.

Tilting into the heat of Christian’s lips, Chad smiled briefly, hands settling over Christian’s arms. “I did something you didn’t like, therefore, apology necessary. I know - I mean, it’s not really - just okay. I won’t do... that. Again. So, it’s okay.” Chad’s hand slid up Christian’s arms to his shoulder, holding the man there as he stepped back. “Let’s take this to bed okay? Water’s gonna get cold any second.”

"I did like it," Christian protested weakly. "I just - there's shit you don't -" Shaking his head Christian leaned down and turned the water off. "We should go out, celebrate remember?" He slid out from under Chad and pushed the curtain back so he could reach for his towel.

Chad blinked at the tile wall for a moment before turning and stepped out of the shower, reaching out to grab his own towel and stare at Christian. “There’s something I don’t know?” he asked quietly, wishing they could go back to kissing and touching and Chad feeling like he was on top of the world.

Christian rubbed the towel roughly over his hair and then slung it low around his hips. “Another time,” he said quietly. His fingers ghosted along Chad’s jaw and then he turned to slip past him and back into the bedroom. “Want me to take you to that restaurant you like?”

It hadn’t occurred to Chad that there might be things about Christian he still didn’t know. After all, they lived together now, they’d been together for almost a year, they _loved_ each other. Chad had shared all of his secrets, he’d given everything to Christian, and - like it often was - Christian was still holding parts of himself back.

Sighing, Chad toweled himself off as he walked into the room, heading for the dresser. “I’m not really hungry right now. Maybe later, or I could just cook. Do you have music things to go over?” Chad stepped into a pair of briefs, forcing himself past the sting that came whenever Christian walled part of himself off from Chad.

Christian padded over to the bed and sank down, rubbing at the back of his neck. “You gonna punish me now? You wanted to go out before? If you’re not hungry let’s go for drinks or something - stop by the club and say hi. Steve and the guys are probably down there.”

“Because the way I want to celebrate getting a job is to hang out with Steve,” Chad muttered and pushed his hand up through his hair. He looked over at Christian and sighed, shaking his head and turning back to the drawers. “Fine, let’s go. Wherever you want.”

He shrugged. “Look - this is your thing. You don’t wanna celebrate, that’s fine.” Christian lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He wasn’t sure why he was pissed off but it didn’t help that Chad never hesitated to let him know how much he hated his friends.

“My thing,” Chad repeated quietly, frowning down at the dresser. Why was it always this way with them? Things were going _good_ and Chad was perfectly content then everything seemed to crash down around them. “I thought... god. Let’s just go to the club.” He turned from the dresser and headed for the closet.

Rubbing his hand over his eyes, Christian sighed. “Whatever Chad. Just pick something and we’ll do what you want.”

“I want to know what happened.” Chad tugged a shirt off the hanger, not caring if it was the light blue one that Christian always teased him about being _so gay_. “I want to know how you can still shut me out. But more than all that I just _want_ us to be together, no matter where it is. So, if you want to go to the club, then let’s go.”

“What do you mean, what happened?” Christian sat up and stared at Chad’s back. “I just didn’t... I wasn’t thinkin’ about that and then it was all different. I’m just not used to it, okay?” Christian combed his fingers through his hair; agitated. “I don’t shut you out, I tell you more than I tell anyone.”

“But you wanted me, before I did... that. You wanted me and then, you didn’t. So it’s, something. And I don’t understand. And then you do that thing you do, where you just push it away, and move on to the next thing.” Chad yanked at a pair of jeans over and over, swearing low under his breath when he whacked his hand hard on the closet door. “Just never mind, forget it. I’m just being stupid.” Chad pulled his hand back and frowned, rubbing at his knuckles.

Christian felt stupid sitting there in a towel, arguing with Chad. "Why do you need to know _everything_?"

The question had Chad freezing, his heart tightening in his chest. Apparently that was all of an answer he was going to get. Chad couldn’t help how he was, anymore than Christian could, but he didn’t want to fight when it was supposed to be a good night. He reached out for the hanger with his jeans and pulled them slowly off. “I don’t,” he said quietly, and turned to step into the jeans. “Do you want to go out?”

"So what did you mean when you said I shut you out?" Christian stood and walked over to Chad, watching as he struggled into his jeans. Christian pushed, Chad backed down - that was the way things seemed to work for them.

Sighing, Chad hopped in place until the jeans finally slid up his still damp legs. He didn’t look up until the zipper and button were done up and his eyes just barely met Christian’s before he looked away. “Something happened to you, something probably pretty major, and you won’t tell me what it is. I’ve told you, everything, every little thing about myself. I just thought, that you’d do the same.”

"What does it prove? I mean," Christian folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the dresser. "It's the past, right? It doesn't change anything or make anything better." Even thinking about telling Chad everything was making his heart race.

“It does change things,” Chad said quietly, slipping his arms across his chest and letting his eyes settle on Christian’s legs. “This, us right now. That’s, something. And, I mean, it’s not like I’m upset you don’t want to bottom, that’s fine. Just, I know you well enough to know you have a reason besides _it’s not your thing_. You said you liked it. So whatever it was, it’s changed things.” Chad half stepped toward Christian, dropping his hand as if to reach out but curling his fingers together instead.

“So it’s not enough that I say … fuck. Why does this happen?” Christian pushed off the wall and pushed past Chad to snatch a shirt off a hanger. “I …” Frustrated, Christian headed over to bed again and started hunting around for his jeans.

Chad’s shoulders slumped and he rubbed at his arm, annoyed that - like usual - his eyes were pricking with sharp stinging tears. He was fairly sure he was too emotional for his own good. “I’m sorry. You don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine, I won’t push. Let’s just have a good night, I really do want to celebrate. We - we could go see if your friends are at the club. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them.” Chad was maybe backpedaling a little, but he was used to this role. He hated when they fought.

“Yeah, ‘cause we’re gonna have a really great time now.” Christian finally found his jeans and stepped into them, hopping a couple of times as he pulled them up. Without bothering to do them up he pulled the t-shirt down over his head. “You remember me tellin’ you about that first time I had sex?”

Chad felt like shit, and guilty, and he wondered if he really was stupidly bouncy happy less than an hour ago. “Yeah,” he said quietly, stepping toward Christian once more even if it didn’t go over so well the time before.

Christian held up his hand to stop Chad before he touched him. "It wasn't quite ... I didn't tell you much. I mean, I did meet him on the road but he fucked _me_ Chad. He fucked me and it hurt and I was scared and I was stupid about the whole thing."

Finally dropping his hand Christian fumbled with the button on his jeans until he got it done up and smoothed his t-shirt down. “It’s done. It’s over - it’s a thousand fucking years ago and you just surprised me today? Okay?”

Mouthing opening and closing, Chad stared at Christian, struggling against the desire to just cross to the man and throw his arms around him. “God, I’m sorry Christian. It... that really fucking sucks, that your first time was, I mean, I just get it. What it’s like not to have the best first time. I wouldn’t have just done that if I’d known.”

Half stepping toward Christian again, Chad froze when the man looked up sharply, taking a step back instead. “Not that - we don’t have to - I just, you know I wouldn’t hurt you. I never would. I’d do whatever... anyway. Thank you, for telling me. And I’m sorry for pushing it.” Chad itched to comfort Christian but the man’s shoulders were still tense and Chad could still see him holding up a hand to keep him away.

"It's not a big deal - let's just - see...I don't talk about stuff like this because then it hangs there like some excuse or road block and I don't... just don't." When Christian finally looked up at Chad's face his heart sank. It was a familiar expression - _hurt_ , confusion, fear and Christian knew that it was his fault.

“It’s something that happened to you. It affects you even if you say it doesn’t. I... it’s like a piece of the puzzle you know? And I want to know all the pieces, even the bad ones.” Chad gave Christian a tentative smile, arms curling over his chest once more. “It doesn’t change the way I see you.”

“It’s just one of those things,” Christian said dismissively. “Shitty things happen to people all the time. It could have been a lot worse. I was lucky.” Sweeping his hair back off his face Christian smoothed his shirt down again unnecessarily.

“It’s okay to admit something really shitty happened to you, you know,” Chad nearly whispered, watching Christian fidgeting. “But, okay, if you don’t want to talk about it or whatever, it’s okay. It doesn’t have to be something huge hanging between us.” Chad knew this stage of their fighting, when he was begging with not-so-cleverly disguised words for things to be good between them once more. “We can still go out,” he tried hopefully, shifting forward than back.

"Maybe we should just wait - you know? Go out tomorrow or somethin'." Christian shrugged, hesitated and then reached out to squeeze Chad's arm briefly.

“Alright.” Chad nodded, watching Christian’s hand drop away. He hated this part, not knowing what to say to make it better. He still felt guilty; like he’d forced Christian into exposing some part of himself he wasn’t ready to share yet. “I could make dinner? Anything you want.”

Rolling his shoulders, Christian looked down at the carpet for a few moments then smiled slightly. "You feel like a walk?"

“Sure.” Chad nodded once more and turned, tugging the shirt off and tossing it into the closet. It wasn’t until he was halfway through shrugging on one of Christian’s shirts from the floor that he looked up and caught his boyfriend watching him. “I um, just wanted to be more comfortable.” He shrugged, turning to hide the blush on his cheeks.

"You know, Chad..." Christian took a few steps closer. "I know you. I mean, you think I don't notice a lot. You wear my clothes sometimes, when you're worried. When you feel like we're - like things aren't okay. Everything's fine." Smiling, he finally reached out and pulled the shirt down then smoothed it over Chad's chest. "I'm not very good at talkin' and - you really deserve better but I notice."

Chad couldn’t help stepping into Christian, smiling softly at him and shrugging. He didn’t bother trying to deny it, Christian was right. “I just feel bad, for ruining our evening. It was supposed to be good. And, I don’t know, when you stopped me I just realized how... we just - I can’t go doing things like that without talking about it.” Chad looked down at Christian’s feet and twisted the hem of his shirt between his fingers. “I really wanted us to have a good night.”

Christian hated making Chad feel sad about anything. Shaking his head, he stepped in and pulled Chad into his arms. "So, let’s go for a walk. We'll stop at that coffee place you like where they have those gigantic ginger cookie things."

His hand slid up into Chad's hair and he leaned in to press his forehead against Chad's cheek. "Yeah?"

“Yeah, okay,” Chad whispered, closing his eyes and letting the heat of Christian’s body comfort him. His fingers lifted and rested on Christian’s cheek, turning him so their lips could brush together. “Promise me, Christian, if you ever do feel like you want to talk about it, or anything, you’ll tell me?” Chad held his breath because even if they’d been together for almost a year, promises were still something Christian didn’t always respond well too.

Christian kissed Chad's bottom lip slowly, lingering there for a few moments. "You're the only person I ever tell anything to. I swear." Maybe it wasn't a promise, but it was about as close as Christian could get to it.

“Okay,” Chad breathed and lingered against Christian’s lips for a long moment before straightening up but not stepping away. Sometimes Chad wondered what it would be like if Christian were more like him. There’d probably be a lot more tears. Smiling, Chad tucked Christian’s hair behind his ear. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah, I am.” Christian messed up Chad’s still damp hair, spiking it up a little and laughing softly.

-=-=-=-

The days started to merge together in Christian’s mind. Before he realized it, Chad was heading off to work each morning and Christian started heading off to rehearse earlier and earlier.

With the tour looming ahead of him like one of those big storms he remembered rolling down the valley when he was a kid; Christian was tense. He learned a lot about himself, about his drinking, his friendships and the kinds of choices that he made but he knew things were going to get tougher.

What he really wanted was to have Chad come along on the road, be there, _just_ be there to make things that little bit easier. But, he also knew that was crazy. Chad was building a life for himself; a career that was going to be rewarding. And Hell, Chad was the kind of man who was going to end up finding a cure for cancer or something like that. Knowing his boyfriend was crazy-intelligent and talented at what he did kept Christian’s feet firmly planted on the ground and his mind entrenched in the fog of his mistakes.

The times with the band were tough. When they were done with rehearsing for the day and Steve would pull out a cold beer Christian would turn away from the sound of the cap popping off the bottle. He always left as soon as he could and was usually bitchy by the time he got home.

Sometimes, being around Chad was enough to forget the _want_ that gnawed at him. Sometimes, it wasn’t. Sometimes, it made Christian feel sick, as though he was defective in some way and just couldn't accept how great things could be with Chad if he could just move past his _shit_.

Being around Steve was quite the opposite. Take that evening, for instance. Steve had said one simple thing that had kind of gotten under Christian’s skin. He’d been telling the guys about how proud he was of Chad, for the job - for everything and Steve had simply said, “‘Course, he comes from a different world than you.”

It wasn’t that Steve said it; it was that it was true. Chad’s world was different. And as time went on Christian felt less certain that he belonged in it.

Pulling the door to their apartment open Christian tried to keep a smile on his face for once. “Hey house boy? I’m home,” he called out.

Chad had only just walked in the door moments before and he was exhausted, but just hearing Christian’s voice brought a smile to his lips. He finished kicking off his shoes and turned, heading back out of the bedroom and down the hall. “Hey, I just barely beat you home, how’s it going?” It was good to see Christian smiling; it didn’t happen all that often.

"Look at you," Christian said as he grinned. Chad's hair was tied back and with his glasses on and his lab coat he was kind of irresistible. Yanking his boots off, Christian tossed them aside and headed over to curl his fingers around Chad's tie. "Yer all professional lookin'."

A very _unprofessional_ snort left Chad’s lips but he let his boyfriend tug him closer, lips parting in a gasp. “Oh and the science geek look does something for you?” He murmured softly, fingers curling over Christian’s hips. The man smelt faintly like sweat, smoke, and alcohol, a sure sign that his day had been consumed with rehearsing.

“ _You_ do somethin’ for me. The whole geek part is just the icing on the cake.” Christian sniffed at Chad’s hair. “You smell like the lab,” he muttered as his lips trailed along his boyfriend’s cheek. “Like it better when you smell like me.”

“Same goes for you,” Chad murmured, eyes fluttering closed. Pleasure coursed through him and Chad couldn’t help swaying toward the man. Christian was like the sun in his universe and Chad couldn’t pull away - and didn’t really want to for that matter. “You smell like the bar,” he laughed softly, used to the smell lingering on Christian.

“Lots of rehearsin’ today. Pulled one of the old songs and added a new one, more of a ballad.” Christian pressed his lips to Chad’s neck and sucked hard on the smooth flesh.

Chad hummed softly, head tilting to the side as he swayed his hips against Christian’s. “Have I heard the new one?” He tried to be as involved with Christian’s music as he could, even if he didn’t understand most of the lingo. And it was a little hard to concentrate with Christian’s lips on his skin.

"Nah, somethin' I've been workin' on for a while. S'called _Let Me Go._ " Christian's fingers dipped under the edge of Chad's collar and pushed it further down his shoulder so he could kiss his way along Chad's shoulder. "It's a good one, I think."

“I wanna hear it,” Chad breathed, fingers slipping under Christian’s shirt. He was a little sad that he wouldn’t be able to attend any of the concerts Christian had on tour, Chad wasn’t used to missing shows. He turned toward his boyfriend, letting his head brush along Christian’s to try and move him up to capture his lips in a kiss.

Christian pressed his hand against Chad's chest and held him back. "You eat already? I can make us breakfast for dinner. You love that." He stepped back slightly, hand lingering on Chad's arm.

He'd had one beer, not even an entire beer. It was cold and his throat was sore but he knew that Chad was going to _hate_ the idea. It wasn't so much a drinking thing as it was just - being too lazy to go and get something different from the bar. He was alright. He left after one, didn't stay at the bar.

The smile on Chad’s lips faded slightly and he snagged Christian’s arm, pulling him close again. “What’s that all about?” he asked with a barely there laugh, dipping in to kiss Christian. When the man turned so their lips just barely met the smile faded completely. “What? I don’t have lab breath or something do I?” Chad’s fingers tightened on Christian’s arm, his brows drawing together in confusion.

“What?” Smiling, Christian pulled Chad into a hug. “Aren’t you hungry? Was just gonna make you some dinner. We can watch that cartoon you got a while back. That … pixel thing, whatever it is.”

Chad frowned. He knew Christian well enough to spot a distraction technique a mile away. Chad’s heart picked up speed and he stepped back, staring down at his boyfriend. “What happened today?”

"What? Nothing." Christian frowned over his smile and headed into the kitchen. "You want some Italian Sausage in an omelet? I've got some potatoes I can roast up too." Christian closed his eyes for a few moments as he stared into the fridge. He hated the feeling he got when he was keeping something from Chad - it was like being doused in ice water.

Walking slowly into the kitchen, Chad shrugged out of his lab coat and folded it over his arms. His hip rested against the counter as he considered Christian. He knew that twitchy little thing the man was doing, Christian got that way whenever something had happened that he’d rather Chad not know about. “Christian, kiss me.” It took all of Chad’s control not to let his breath hitch with the demand.

"I did kiss you," Christian said softly. He pulled out the carton of eggs and set it on the counter then started hunting around for the frying pan. "We've got the sets all ready to go now. Just a matter of tightening up the music a bit and we're ready to go. Did I tell you Steve's already got a van lined up for us?"

“You didn’t kiss me. You kissed my neck and barely brushed our lips together.” Chad shook his head, turning to head back into the living room and hanging the lab coat on the wall. Chad didn’t like the reasons he came up with as to why Christian wouldn’t kiss him.

Walking back into the kitchen, Chad tugged the band out of his hair and shook his head, scrubbing a hand back through his hair. “So, do you want me to guess why you won’t kiss me or are we gonna play this game all evening?” Chad wanted to hear about the tour stuff, but he wanted an answer more.

Sighing, Christian set the pan on the stove and rested his hands on the counter as he looked down. Chad never really let anything go. Turning slowly he lifted his eyes and stared at Chad for a few moments then walked over and kissed him. His fingers tightened in Chad's hair and he pulled back slightly. "Happy?"

Chad would know the taste of beer anywhere, maybe because he knew Christian’s taste so well, so anything different stuck out like a sore thumb. He swallowed a hiss when Christian’s fingers tightened in his hair for a moment and blew out a low breath. “How many?” he asked quietly, schooling his features to hide any emotions he might be feeling.

Christian's fingers tightened a little more in Chad's hair. Their eyes were locked for a little while and Christian leaned in to rest his cheek against Chad's. He hated the way he could feel Chad stiffen against his body, each muscle tensing. "One, less than one. My throat was sore and it was cold and it was what Steve had."

Sometimes Chad wanted to blame every problem Christian had on Steve. He knew it wasn’t fair, that Christian was an adult that made his own choice, but Chad kind of hated the guy. He didn’t want to lecture Christian on drinking, didn’t want to be _that_ boyfriend all the time, but it worried him. If Christian gave in to one beer during rehearsal, how was he going to make it through a tour. “Okay,” he said softly, eyes closing as he held in a sigh.

Christian pulled back a little and nudged at Chad's cheek with his nose. "You... you still love me? I promise was just one. And see? I'm fine." Letting out a little sigh of relief Christian leaned against Chad's body and finally untangled his fingers from his boyfriend's hair.

“Of course I still love you,” Chad said quietly, maybe a little sadly, and pressed his lips to Christian’s cheek. Sometimes Chad thought there were just some arguments that just weren’t worth having. And they’d been over the drinking argument a million times. “So, make some dinner and tell me about the tour details you guys have settled on so far.”

"I'm really fine," Christian said once more. He lingered there, body pressed flush to Chad's. His fingers slipped under the hem of Chad's shirt and he tilted his head slightly. "You know that, right?"

“Yeah,” Chad whispered and stepped back, tugging his glasses off and cleaning them on the bottom of his shirt. “It’s fine. You still have to make dinner.” Chad gave Christian a small smile and set his glasses on the counter, tugging at his tie instead.

Dropping his gaze, Christian smiled sadly and headed back over to start the omelets. “Work okay today?”

“I think so. Still trying to find my place, it’s different.” Chad shrugged and leaned back against the counter, rubbing at his chest. Sometimes he felt so _old_. “Do I look old?” he asked quietly, slipping his glasses back on and looking over at Christian.

"Old? Are you crazy? You're gorgeous." Cracking eggs into a bowl, Christian frowned. "Why would you ask that?" He didn't turn around - there was something unsettling in the tone of Chad's voice.

“Sometimes I feel like I am. Or like, today, I was working with Michael and he mentioned this party this weekend. His birthday party. Anyway, he’s turning thirty and he invited me - us, really - then he asked what I did for my thirtieth birthday.” Chad frowned then laughed, lifting his shoulders in a shrug. “He kinda spazzed when I told him I’ll be twenty four soon.”

"He's just jealous. Misplaced youth and all that." Christian finished chopping up some potatoes and sprinkled them with oil then slid them in the oven. "When's the party? We goin' or you want to go stag?" Glancing over his shoulder Christian smiled.

“I didn’t think we’d go. It’s... I don’t know, it’s just weird. I don’t think it’ll be very fun.” In all honesty, Chad thought Christian would be bored out of his mind. And the last thing he wanted was to take Christian to some place where all his coworkers were going to be and have him realize what a dull life Chad really lived. Chad was terrified one of these days Christian would wake up and realize he deserved to be with someone a lot more exciting.

"Embarrassed to be seen with me?" Christian's voice had a teasing lilt but he turned back to fuss pointlessly with the spices on the rack. Maybe Steve was right, maybe Chad's world was a little too different.

“Hardly,” Chad scoffed and stepped across the kitchen, hesitating a moment before slipping his arm around Christian’s middle and resting his chin on the man’s shoulder. “Embarrassed by my coworkers. They’re nothing like your friends. When Michael says party, I can guarantee he doesn’t mean music and drinks and stuff like that. It’ll probably end up being mostly conversation.”

“You _hate_ my friends,” Christian teased. “Go without me, would be good for you to hang out with some other people like you.” Frowning, Christian set the timer on the stove then pressed his hand over Chad’s.

Sighing softly, Chad shook his head and stepped back, running a hand through his hair. “And what would you do?” Chad knew they were different. He was the type that would never even consider doing something without Christian. On the other hand, Christian had no problem going to things alone.

“Work on new songs, order pizza, watch TV.” Christian turned and followed Chad, grabbing his arm and pulling him back. “You don’t wanna go and hang out with the other scientists? I’m sure they like you. You’re kind of irresistible.”

“Not to everyone.” Chad pointed out with a slight smile, turning into Christian. “Besides, you leave... soon. And, I’d rather be with you. Especially if all you’re gonna do is sit around here. I don’t want to miss out on that.” He reached up to tuck hair behind Christian’s ear.

Blinking slowly Christian draped his arm over Chad's shoulder. "You should go out more often. You don't have to stay home with me, ya know. I'm not gonna do anything stupid if that's what you're worried about." Christian's smile faltered slightly and he rolled a strand of Chad's hair between his thumb and forefinger. "What'd you used to do with Jared?"

“I’m not babysitting you,” Chad said quietly, turning his gaze down. “Jared and I mostly did homework, went to movies sometimes. He’s like me though, you know, wanted to spend every minute together.” Chad shrugged, annoyed that he was hurt that Christian didn’t _want_ him to stay back. “I’ll go if you think I should.”

"I never get it _quite_ right, do I?" Christian let his hand slide slowly down Chad's cheek then pressed it to his chest briefly before turning away. He busied himself with the frying pan, pouring a little olive oil in it. "Steve said you and me are real different, you grew up different or somethin'."

Chad sucked in a slow breath, turning to stare at Christian’s back with wide, almost watery eyes. It kind of sucked being the overly emotional one of the couple. “Different,” he repeated quietly and shook his head. Lately he’d been fighting for them nearly every day. “Do you wish you were with someone more like you?” he asked, voice far too flat for his liking.

"Me? What about you? You must wish you had the kind of boyfriend you could show off at a work party. It's not a big deal. We were just talkin' about you. I know we're different - I mean - you always had real goals and dreams - things you wanted to accomplish. I'm not like that. It's not that it's wrong or anything." Christian had run out of things to do for the omelets so he started to make a pot of coffee.

Swallowing, Chad’s head tilted to the side as he watched Christian, caught somewhere between sad and longing. “I would very gladly show you off at a work party. The only reason I don’t want to go is because I don’t want you to realize how very boring I am, my life is. You’re the only thing that really matters to me. I don’t care that we’re different, I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

"I'm not like you though, can't think on my feet the same way. Those people you work with wouldn't have much to talk to me about. What's Michael like?" Christian poured some egg into the frying pan and poked at the edges of it.

“He’s a dork, stupid sense of humor, but he’s wicked smart.” Chad shrugged and stepped toward Christian, fingers coming to rest on the man’s side. “Do you love me?” he asked quietly, struggling to get a grip on this conversation.

"Do I-" Christian turned so quickly that the spatula flipped out of his hand and bounced off the counter on to the floor. "Why would you ask me that?" Sometimes, he thought his life might be a hell of a lot easier if he _didn't_ love Chad. "Of course I do."

“Then it doesn’t matter if we’re different. Or if you think for some reason I don’t want to take you to my work party. I want you to go. Just like I want to spend every minute with you. I know you think you’re not good enough for me but that’s bull. And I’m not going to let you convince me that things would be better if I hung out with other people more or whatever.” Chad slid his fingers along the back of Christian’s neck and brought him close. “Okay?”

"I'm not tryin'a do anything." Pushing Chad back gently, Christian smiled shakily and leaned over to pick up the spatula. He was relieved to turn his back to Chad again and run the water; his hands were trembling slightly. As much as he tried to write it off in his mind as being tired and working too hard, it didn't work. "Just think you should hang out with people like you sometimes, you know, smart and creative and shit. They must talk about different stuff at those parties. What about lunch time." He realized that he was just running the water and staring at it and started to rub the spatula clean.

“Why can’t you just be happy with me?” Chad asked Christian’s back, lips pursing as he took a step back. “Why can’t you believe that you’re enough for me? You’re the most creative person I know. And you are smart. You have dreams and goals and wishes for the future and you’re following through on those. You’re the man I _love_ , Christian, don’t you know how much that means to me?” Chad’s fingers curled around the edge of the counter, his eyes burning with tears, his heart racing.

"All I did was suggest you go hang out with your work friends. It's not... don't make... shit the eggs." Christian whipped around and shoved at the sizzling eggs in the pan. "Look - whatever you want, Chad. I'll go with you if you want. You can go alone." His words were clipped, his throat aching.

“Fine, whatever.” Chad lifted his hand in defeat, snatching his tie from the counter and heading out of the kitchen. He was fairly certain Christian had no idea how he felt after conversations like this. Mainly because Chad kept thinking _this_ one was going to be the final one, the one where Christian decided none of this was worth it. Chad just wanted his boyfriend to hold him close and tell him he’d never been happier than he was when they were together.

Sighing, Chad headed into their bedroom, slipping out of his nice clothes and changing into sweats. Sometimes he wished he could change himself. Maybe if he wasn’t so emotional, so uptight, they wouldn’t fight so much. Maybe Christian would enjoy life more, smile more. Chad kept telling himself he’d change for the man and still he found himself in this place.

Christian managed to salvage most of the dinner by slipping everything into a big casserole dish and sprinkling some cheese on it. He slid it into the oven and set the timer then took a deep breath before heading down the hallway.

Folding his arms across his chest Christian leaned against the door frame in time to see Chad pull one of _his_ shirts out of the dresser. "That my shirt," Christian said softly. “That’s a bad sign.”

“I wear your shirts all the time,” Chad said quietly and looked up at Christian, rolling his lips together. “They’re usually softer than mine.”

"No, it means you're upset. You're worried." Stepping into the room, Christian held out his hand and motioned for Chad to give him the shirt. When his boyfriend's brow wrinkled with worry Christian rolled his eyes and stuck his thumb into the collar of the shirt then lifted it up and looped it over Chad's head.

"I love you, you idiot. I'm sorry. I just - fuck, it was a long day and I'm tired. I - I don't know. You know I'm not good at this talkin' stuff." Christian waited and when Chad didn't movie he bunched up the shirt in his hands and pulled Chad toward him. "You okay?"

“I’m fine.” Chad shrugged, smoothing the shirt down his front. “You know, if I had a dime for every time you’ve said you’re not good at the talking thing...” Chad laughed weakly and shrugged. He wanted to tease his boyfriend about his less than eloquent _I love you, you idiot_ but he was still shaking off the blah feelings. “I’m sorry I’m so over dramatic with things. I know I should loosen up.”

Christian shrugged and slid his hand across Chad's chest. "I'm an asshole sometimes." It wasn't an apology, it wasn't much but a statement of fact but it was all Christian could come up with. "Hungry?"

Groaning softly, Chad shook his head and forced a smile on his face. “Sure, let’s eat.” In the end, dropping certain topics seemed to be the only way they worked. Chad was kind of used to the ache in his chest lately.

Slinging his arm over Chad’s shoulders, Christian pulled him toward the door. “This will be so good, you’ll fall in love with me all over again.”


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a long time since Chad had been to Steve’s house. He hadn’t really had any reason to, and every time he volunteered to go with Christian to some part of something, they ended up not. Part of Chad thought Christian was just shielding him from the people he didn’t like - which was just Steve, Chad didn’t know the other band members that well. Another part of him thought maybe Chad just wasn’t cool enough, and Christian didn’t take him along because... who wanted to show off a geek?

He was there now for an entirely different reason. It was no less nerve wracking however.

Swallowing thickly, Chad shuffled from foot to foot and pushed his hand back up through his hair before reaching out and hitting the doorbell. He wasn’t particularly looking forward to talking with Steve, but the tour was only a week or so away and Chad was... worried. So here he was, and he only hoped now that Steve wouldn’t slam the door in his face or something.

Steve yanked the door open and when he saw who was standing there he raised an eyebrow and leaned against the door frame. “He’s not here.”

Sighing, Chad nodded and shifted in place. “Yeah, I know he’s not. I um, I came to talk to you. If you have a minute.” Chad forced himself to meet Steve’s eyes, showing the man that he wasn’t there to pick a fight.

Cocking his head to the side, Steve shoved the door open and headed back inside. "C'mon in," he said over his shoulder.

It was _weird_. Being in that house again, following Steve. Chad almost chickened out but he told himself he could do this and he followed the man into the kitchen, arms sliding across his chest. “So, I came to, well... I just wanted to talk about the tour. And Christian.”

Steve pulled the fridge door open and got a beer. “Want a drink?”

“I’m fine, thank you.” As a general rule Chad didn’t drink. He’d never been a big fan of it, and it made it easier for Christian if he didn’t, so that was simple. Clearing his throat, Chad looked around the kitchen and finally let his eyes settle on Steve again. “I’m sure you’ve noticed Christian’s whole, not drinking thing, right?”

Shrugging, Steve leaned back against the counter and twisted the top off his bottle. He took a long swallow and then looked back over at Chad, eyes dropping down his body and then moving back up to his eyes. "I noticed."

“He’s trying to make things better for himself. It’s not - I don’t know if you think it’s me, if I’m controlling him or something, but it’s not about that. The point is, I know this tour isn’t going to be easy on him. I’m not asking you guys to stop drinking or anything, or him even for that matter; I was just thinking... maybe you could keep an eye on him?” Chad tried a small smile, hoping Steve would take him seriously. “He hasn’t been drunk in months, I don’t want him to over do it and hurt himself or something.”

"I took care of Christian just fine before you came along, son." Steve took another pull on the bottle and then set it down on the counter.

“No, you didn’t. You got him drunk before every show because for some reason you think he can’t do it without the alcohol.” Chad hadn’t meant to snap but he was feeling just a tad on the defensive side. “Whether you think you took care of him or not, that was _before_. I’m not going on this tour and I just want to make sure he’s going to be okay.”

"I've never _got_ Christian drunk. He drinks 'cause he's a nervous wreck before he gets up on the stage. This isn't somethin' that I've done _to_ him. He's a big boy, Chad." Steve folded his arms and fidgeted with his sleeve.

“Look, all I want is you to make sure he doesn’t do something to hurt himself. I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to make waves, I just want to make sure he’s going to be okay.” Chad stepped forward and dropped his arms, leaning against the counter. “Steve, I don’t know if you still love Christian... but, if even some part of you does, can you please hear what I’m saying?”

Steve's eyes widened slightly and he pushed off the counter. His finger connected hard with Chad's chest. "Don't you _ever_ talk about my feelings for Christian. Much as you think you know what's going on? You don't. I've never let anything happen to Christian as long as I've known him. Don't you fuckin' dare come over here after a few months of fucking and compare what you're doing to what he and I have. We clear?"

Something cold ran through Chad and he thought maybe he should turn and just leave. But Steve was calling out his relationship with Christian, completely demeaning it, and Chad wouldn’t stand for that. “Christian _loves_ me. He would do anything for me and all I’m doing is making sure _someone_ has his back. If you think you love him so damn much than you wouldn’t have let him get to this point in the first place.”

"What makes you think you can change any of this, Chad? We don't make those kinds of decisions for people, I'm not the one who lifts the glass to his lips and it's not my place to knock it out of his hand. He's a fuckin' musician. His world - it's not _your_ world and I know him. I _know_ him. If he's so in love with you why didn't he ask you to come with us?" Steve's lips curled into a sneer.

For just a moment Chad’s answer caught on his tongue then he straightened up, not backing down from the man. “He didn’t ask because he knows I’ve just started a new job. Don’t you fucking dare get the idea in your head that you mean _anything_ to him. If you were so important, he wouldn’t have broken his hand kicking your ass. The _only_ reason he spends any time with you now is because of the other band members. I can guarantee you if he had the choice he’d never see you again because you’re _nothing_ to him.”

Steve stepped forward quickly and punched Chad. His aim was bad and his fist glanced across Chad's chin but he widened his stance, panting and stared at Chad's flushed cheeks. "You get the _fuck_ out of my house. You don't know him nearly as well as you think you do."

Tears of pain pricked along Chad’s eyes and he tilted his head down, blowing out a breath as he stared at the ground. “Good to see how much you really care about him, Steve,” Chad said quietly and turned, heading out of the house as fast as he could without running. His jaw was already aching and he felt like an idiot for coming there, assuming Steve would also want what was best for Christian.

He was going to have a wicked bruise; he’d just have to say something at work happened. Chad slid behind the wheel of his car, not feeling any more reassured about the upcoming tour. If Christian would let him, Chad would go with them on tour, and really? Chad couldn’t help wondering why his boyfriend hadn’t asked him to come.

-=-=-=-

Christian sat in his truck fuming until he realized that the sun that had been lingering in the sky when he arrived at home, was gone completely and he was sitting in the dark. Sighing, he climbed out of the truck and dragged his guitar off the seat.

There was so little time left before the tour and things just seemed to keep going a little crazier. When he got to the door of their apartment he hesitated then pushed it open. "Chad? Where are you?"

“Bathroom,” Chad called over his shoulder, eyes narrowing at the bruise that had already formed on his jaw. He still hadn’t come up with a good lie, mainly because he couldn’t lie to Christian to save his life. As he listened to Christian’s footfalls down the hall he lifted the ice, hoping the bruise would go unnoticed for a while if he kept it hidden.

Setting his guitar down, Christian didn't even bother taking his boots off and strode down the hall. "You got somethin' you wanna talk to me about?" When he saw the ice Chad was holding to his face his fingers itched to reach out and pull Chad closer, make sure he was okay - but then Steve's words echoed through his mind again.

Something about Christian’s tone had Chad tensing and he slowly turned his eyes to his boyfriend. Oh yeah, he was definitely pissed about something. “Let me guess, you’ve been hanging out with Steve?” Chad wasn’t going to tattle on the man, leave it to Steve to prove his usually douchiness by telling Christian the first chance he got.

“Well, fuck, Chad. He’s my friend; you think I wouldn't ask what was bothering him? Why he was icing his hand? I’ve never seen him so upset before - the things you said...” Shaking his head Christian rubbed at his shoulder and stepped back a little. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

“Excuse me?” Chad’s eyes widened and he dropped his icepack, staring at Christian with shock and _hurt_. “What _I_ said? What the hell did he tell you I said?” It was just like Steve to lie about what Chad had gone to say, but Chad had thought his boyfriend would know him a little better than that.

“You gonna deny you said that he was _nothing_ to me?” Christian’s fingers curled into fists and he stuffed them in his pockets. His eyes flicked down to Chad’s jaw, the darkening bruise there.

Chad’s lips parted and closed, his gaze dropping to the side as he slowly shook his head. “No, I won’t deny it. But did he inform you that he seems to think after a few months of us _fucking_ our relationship is nothing compared to what you and him have? Or that I apparently don’t know you at all. And did he let you know that he _punched_ me and that’s why his hand hurt?” When Chad met Christian’s gaze again his eyes were watering, this time out of anger more than anything else. “Did he even fucking bother to tell you _why_ I went there?”

Christian blinked a few times. "He said you blamed him for me drinking. That you think everything's just gonna fall apart on the tour. That you trashed him and made sure that he knew I didn't give a shit about him... am I close?" Christian took a step closer and grabbed Chad's jaw to turn it slightly and look at the bruise. It looked painful and he bent down to pick up the ice pack again.

"Steve was icing his hand; he said he lost his temper because he was hurt. Our friendship... it's important to him. What the fuck, Chad? Why were you there?" Christian raised the ice pack to press it against his boyfriend's cheek again.

Chad stepped back out of Christian’s touch, feeling something burn through that sure felt a lot like betrayal. “Oh yeah, your all important best friend who was almost responsible for us not being together, or have you forgotten that?” Chad shook his head and brushed past Christian, heading out into the bedroom. “I asked him to help you with the not drinking thing. To watch out for you when I couldn’t. I never said things would fall apart, I just wanted to know someone was going to be there to fill my place.”

Tears burned hot down Chad’s cheeks and he paced over to the dresser, snatching his wallet. “He kept saying that he meant more to you than I ever would. _Fuck_ he basically implied that our relationship was nothing to _you_.” Chad spun to look at Christian, hardly able to see him through the blur of tears so he ripped his glasses off. “And you know what? I wasn’t gonna say a fucking thing. I wasn’t going to tell you that he _punched_ me. Then you come in here, automatically on his side, ready to just overlook the fact that your best friend slugged the man you’re supposedly in love with. Awesome, Christian. Really.”

Pain slithered down through Christian's body and he lowered his gaze. The ice pack was so cold it was burning his hand and he shifted it slowly. He followed Chad slowly, lingering by the bedroom door. "Listen, Chad. I'm not _taking_ his side. I've just... I've never seen Steve - well, he was really upset about us and me not - I mean, Chad. He thought I'd just written him off."

Christian had never seen Steve cry, not the entire time that he'd know the man and it had rattled him. Something had obviously happened and, once more, Christian found himself in the middle. "Let me see your jaw," he said softly.

Sighing, Chad shrugged and watched as Christian slowly stepped forward. “I didn’t mean to hurt him,” he said quietly, looking down at the ground. “That wasn’t my intention when going over there. I was hoping we could make some peace or something; I went to make sure he would look after you while you’re gone. I’m just worried, and he kept saying all these things, like he didn’t and wouldn’t ever believe in our relationship. The only thing I’ve ever done to hurt him is to be with you and he hates me. I was just trying.” Chad frowned, lifting his hand to rub at the tears on his cheeks.

"He told me ... how he feels about me." Christian raised the ice pack and pressed it against Chad's jaw. "For real admitted it. He's hurt, Chad. Confused. Lonely. And... you saying all those things to him." Christian shook his head slowly and frowned at the bruise on his boyfriend's face. "He was there for me all those years through all the shit - and then you come along and I just stop being in his life."

“So I’m the bad guy here.” Chad stared at Christian through the tears, forcing himself not to step away though he wanted to. It was hard not to be hurt by the entire thing. “What he said to me hurt. And don’t you think I get confused, and I’ll be just as lonely when you’re gone? I would have been more than willing to be his friend if he wasn’t such an asshole to me every time I was around. It’s his fault that you’re not around him more, and even then you see him more nowadays than I do.”

"Jesus, Chad. What is going on here? Why did you even go there? What was this all about? Sure, Steve's done some lame shit since you and I met - but he's just fucked up. You went around there pokin' at a hornet's nest with a stick and then you're surprised you got punched?" Christian dropped the ice pack on the dresser and took a few steps back until he could sit down heavily on the bed.

"Chad, I'm _with_ you, can't you just cut him a little slack?" Christian rubbed a hand down his face. "Fuck, I hate this - being in the middle shit."

“Doesn’t so much seem like you’re in the middle. Kind of feels like you’ve chosen a side,” Chad said flatly, looking at the ice pack then down at the floor. “I wasn’t trying to start a fight. I meant what I said, all I wanted when I went over there was to make sure someone had your back. I didn’t want him feeding you drinks again. I was _trying_ to just talk to him, trying to be a good boyfriend. But, unsurprisingly, I’ve managed to fuck that up, once again.” Chad seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

"Well, this _had_ to be about drinking, didn't it?" Christian pushed up off the bed and headed for the door. He stopped at the last minute and turned back. "Chad, if you don't trust me... this really is nothing. I am doing what I can, I don't need you sneaking around behind my back trying to get people to _watch_ me. Steve doesn't make me drink - I drink. Big fucking deal."

“Christian,” Chad nearly choked on the name, half stepping forward then skittering back when he watched Christian’s body tensed. “I didn’t mean it like that. Please. I’m just worried about you, that’s all. I - come on. I’m hurting here and you’re supposed to comfort me and instead all you’re doing is making me feel like shit for _caring_. Do you want me to apologize to Steve? I will. But since you don’t even want me on tour with you I just had to make sure someone would be there to support you.” Chad stumbled back until he hit the wall, shaking with tears and the roller coaster of his emotions.

Christian's shoulders slumped and he leaned back against the door frame, hand pressed over his eyes. "I don't want you to apologize," he said thickly. It was physically hurting him not to go over and just fold Chad into his arms, wipe his tears away and make everything better. He knew how to do it. He'd done it so many times.

"God, you and I... I just keep hurting you over and over. It's like we're self-destructing...and it's slow and painful and -" Christian's voice broke and he dropped his hand. Chad's cheeks were blotchy and red, his lips swollen and the bruise on his jaw was darkening.

Blowing out a frustrated breath Christian turned back toward his boyfriend and closed the distance between them slowly. "I'm sorry," he said softly. He held out his hand unsure if Chad would even take it.

“Don’t say things like that,” Chad whispered, grasping Christian’s hand and stepping into his body. “That we’re self-destructing. I can’t - we’re okay. We’ll be okay. I know Steve’s your best friend, and I know you’ve known him so much longer, I know you care for him. I didn’t mean to hurt him, I swear.” Chad was mumbling the words into Christian’s shoulder, clutching him to tight. “Please don’t be mad at me, I was just trying to do what I thought was best.”

Christian's arms wrapped around Chad's body and he pulled him back toward the bed until he could sit down and pull Chad forward until he was straddling his lap. "Chad, _you're_ my best friend. He's my oldest friend. I need both of you and I - I need people to trust me. I don't want you on that tour gettin' messed up like I am. You are so different from me, from Steve, from the guys in the band." His thumbs rubbed through the tears on Chad's cheeks.

“I don’t want to be different from you.” Chad sat back a little, sniffing and shaking his head. “I mean, I don’t want... I just, I’m not part of that part of your life and that’s the _biggest_ thing for you, music, performing. I could talk to my boss, take a leave for a while. I know Steve hates me but I don’t care. I want to go with you, I want to be with you.” Chad pressed forward, kissing Christian even though his lips were slick with salty tears and his jaw was aching.

Hands cupping Chad's cheeks, Christian pressed forward into the kiss for a few moments and then pulled back. Chad's breath was warm on Christian's lips and he licked them, the salty taste of tears lingering there. "I don't want you comin' along to see that. You've got a great job here, and things are gonna get real good for you. 'Sides, you said you'd be here at home waitin' for me."

Christian was feeling about every emotion that was possible, all at once, and all _entirely_ too strongly. The need to distance himself from Chad was tearing him apart inside; and yet, he couldn’t stand to see Chad the way he was. Smiling slightly, Christian grabbed the bottom of his t-shirt and stretched it up to wipe at Chad's damp cheeks. "Enough of this, okay?"

Chad nodded even as Steve’s words echoed through his mind, _If he's so in love with you why didn't he ask you to come with us?_ Chad knew Christian was right, about his job and all, but he was sure he could handle whatever tour life was like. “Seems like this happens a lot lately huh?” Chad asked quietly, staring down between them as Christian finished wiping at his cheeks. “The fighting, me in tears.” Chad laughed weakly and shrugged, not sure what else to say.

Smiling slightly, Christian slid his hand back and tangled it once more in Chad's hair. "Yeah, it's happenin' a lot lately." He swallowed down the urge to say that was just one more sign that he was _no_ good at all for Chad. Why? Because he couldn't stand to see his boyfriend so upset. Not anymore that night. Hurting Chad was exactly the thing he was trying _not_ to do.

"Your jaw hurt real bad?" Christian tilted his head again and ghosted his fingertips over the purple bruise.

“A little.” Chad gave Christian a small smile then slid forward, arms wrapping around Christian, lips pressing to the man’s neck. “Sometimes I worry that you’ll wake up and realize I’m not the type of guy you want. That I’m too dull, or that I don’t get you. Sometimes I worry Steve will do something that will make you fall for him.” He sighed shakily, slipping his hand up into Christian’s hair.

"God, Chad. Me wanting you - has never - that's never been something I've doubted." Christian smiled sadly and turned so the he could breathe in the scent of Chad's hair. "And, Steve... he's not... I'm not interested in him. Not like that. Never was, never will be. I told him that tonight."

“Oh,” Chad whispered and straightened up a little, watching the emotions playing on Christian’s face. He wasn’t sure he could name them all. “Was he... okay? It must have hurt, to hear that. I’m sorry you had to... I mean, it was probably for the best, but I’m sure he’s hurting.”

Christian let out a pained laugh. It was _just_ like Chad, after everything that they'd just said, to be worried about Steve. "How 'bout we stop talkin' about Steve, okay?" His eyes moved from Chad's jaw to his lips then up until he finally met his boyfriend's gaze. "Okay? No more tonight."

Letting his hands slide down Chad's sides, Christian leaned in and trailed kisses over the bruise. Fingers spread wide, he slid his palms around Chad's waist and pressed against the small of his back until he had to slide closer.

“We haven’t had sex in over a week,” Chad mumbled, looking up quickly and blushing. “Lame to count, I know. I figured that you were stressed with tour stuff and everything. I... that’s it right? I mean, you still want me?” Chad had no idea how many times he’d asked Christian to reassure him of this but he couldn’t help it. Because he wanted Christian so _bad_ , it didn’t seem possible that anyone could match that.

"I want you," Christian murmured. He had been tired, stressed, worried and more than that - trying to somehow figure out what was going to happen between them. Maybe trying to convince himself that he could be okay without Chad, without being able to hold him - touch him, talk to him.

"Get undressed, and come to bed," Christian said softly. His hands were still moving over Chad's back, feeling the muscles tensing and relaxing as they spoke.

“I love you,” Chad breathed before his lips met Christian’s. He wiggled back slightly until he could drop his feet on the ground, still leaning into Christian so their lips moved together. His fingers curled along the hem of Christian’s shirt and he broke the kiss, pulling the cotton up over his boyfriend’s head and tossing it to the side.

Chad straightened up and took a step back, eyes fixed on Christian as he pulled his own shirt off and slid his hands down. He smiled softly, a flush crawling up his neck as he tried not to hide behind the clothes. “When you look at me like that I feel like I’m the only person in the world.”

"You're the only one I see," Christian said softly. He stood, unbuttoning his jeans and pushing them down over his hips and stepping out of them when they fell to the floor. Reaching behind him, he pulled the covers down and slid into the bed, eyes moving appreciatively over Chad’s chest. "Come on,” he said.

He watched as Chad shed his jeans and briefs, flush growing on his chest and neck as he moved. Christian watched the way Chad moved, almost gracefully, liquid. His muscles were rippling slightly under his flesh and Christian reached out his hand, tugging Chad down onto the bed.

“Better make me believe it,” Chad whispered moments before their lips met. It would certainly be much better to enjoy Christian than to think about all the things tearing them apart.

-=-=-=-

Christian backed the truck up the grassy hill and threw it into park. As soon as the engine was off he could hear the sound of the warm wind whistling past the truck. “Wanted to bring you here again before we took off on the tour. You still remember that first night?”

Christian remembered it well. He’d known even back then that there was something _about_ Chad; something special. He’d brought Chad up to his favorite spot to see the city stretched out below; of course, he thought, at the time, it might be a great night of sex. It had ended up being so much more.

A warm smile played across Chad’s lips and he stared out over the city, nodding. “Of course I do. God, I thought you were so hot. And my heart was racing already. It’d been so long since I was interested in anyone, and I’d just heard you sing. I think if you would have pushed it, I would have let you take me right then and there. Or, right here that is.” Chad laughed softly, running a hand through his hair and looking over at his boyfriend.

“Come on.” Christian climbed out of the truck and headed around back. He dropped the tailgate and shook out a couple of blankets, laying one down for them to sit on. When Chad walked around the back of the tailgate Christian caught him around the waist and lifted him up onto it. Grinning, he hopped up beside his boyfriend. “Get comfy.”

Chad shifted on the tailgate, smile stretching across his lips. He liked when Christian moved him like that. As Christian situated himself Chad pressed up close, turning to inhale his scent. “You brought me up here to get nostalgic huh?” Chad was trying hard not to think about Christian going away. The apartment was going to seem so lonely without the man there to fill in the silence.

"Just been thinkin' about a lot of stuff. This was always where I came to think. Never brought anyone else here with me, just you." Christian looped his arm over Chad's shoulder and pulled him closer so he could wrap the other blanket around them. "Sometimes, it's like - well - comin' up here I can pretend I'm this whole other person; someone without all the crap that goes wrong." He leaned down and kissed the top of Chad's head.

Humming softly, Chad closed his eyes and let his head rest on Christian’s shoulder. “Believe it or not, I like you just like this, just the way you are.” Even without all the fighting that happened between them, it always came back to this, back to how his heart still skipped a beat when Christian pulled him close. “So what are you thinking about now?”

“You. All the amazing things you’re gonna do. The kind of person you are. Stuff like that.” Christian smiled. It was all he’d been thinking about for weeks; how different Chad’s life could be if they were apart. “What you’re gonna be like when I’m gone.”

“Miserable,” Chad whispered, letting his hand run across Christian’s chest. “I don’t know how I’ll sleep, what I’ll do in the evenings. God, I have troubles breathing just thinking about it.” Chad could already feel the prick of tears and he squeezed his eyes shut tighter. “I would give anything to go with you.”

“I was thinkin’ though. It gives you a really good chance to go out and meet other people.” Christian’s voice wavered slightly and he cleared his throat. “I mean, you’re meeting people more like you now. At work. I mean.” Even as he said it - his arm tightened around Chad. The thought of Chad with anyone else made him feel a little sick.

“Um,” Chad frowned slightly, snuggling more into Christian’s side. “Sure, I’ve met people like me. We get along okay at work. I guess I could try and go to their get-togethers or something.” He didn’t really have any desire to go hang out with people as he tried to deal with being miserable and missing Christian.

"I bet some of those people are really great. What about that Michael guy? He's probably one of those guys who likes to go to museums and stuff... has his own house." Christian sighed and tucked the blanket around them. "That's the kind of friends you should have really. Like Jared and Jensen. Your age, professionals, big hearts." Christian's voice trailed off and he smiled softly as he stared out over the city lights.

Chad’s frown deepened as he thought about Christian’s words. It took him a minute or two to put the pieces together and he sat slowly up, blinking over at Christian. “Are you... suggesting I go _out_ with someone?” The very idea made Chad’s blood run cold. And the fact that Christian suggested it? Made him sick to his stomach.

Christian swallowed nervously and kept his gaze averted. "I'm just thinkin' there's nothing wrong with you being around better people, you know? People with the same goals and stuff. You've got a lot to offer someone, Chad. It's crazy to stay with some redneck country singer who no one's even heard of. Crazy."

“So, what, you brought me up here to break up with me?” Chad’s brows rose and he schooled his features to hide how _hurt_ he was by the entire thing. This was kind of _their_ spot, where everything began, and here Christian was breaking up with him.

“It just … it sorta makes sense.” Christian shifted nervously. There was no way he could look at Chad because his boyfriend was exceedingly good at reading his emotions. “You’re just beginning and I’m kinda done with … being successful and stuff. Fuck, all I own is my truck and my guitar and my clothes. You’re gonna be so much better than that.”

“Jesus Christ this is unbelievable.” Chad laughed in disbelief, pushing a hand up through his hair and blowing out a low breath. His heart was stuttering painfully and he tore his glasses angrily off, shaking his head once more. “No.”

"I talked to Jared about it. He said that he thinks you've got a lot of potential. I mean, I knew that. You're the best thing in my - well, I knew that. He said he was sure that if things ... if things didn't work out, you'd find someone really great." Christian didn't tell Chad about the rest of the conversation with Jared. He didn't really want to mention how Jared had said he got where Christian was coming from but he was going to break Chad's heart.

“Oh great, that’s fucking fantastic. Thanks for letting me know one of my closest friends is totally okay with you completely ruining the best thing I have in my life,” Chad snapped, glaring at Christian as he pushed his glasses back on. “You want to break up? Fine. You fucking break up with me. But you damn well better do it because it’s what _you_ want because you’re not using this shit logic. You make me better Christian, you make me more of a man, and everything you think I can be? It’ll be because of you. So you want to break up with me, then do it, say it, without using _me_ as the reason for it.”

"He wasn't okay with it. I'm just sayin' what... Jared wasn't. I just... I talked to him," Christian said weakly. "I talked to him because I've got no one - I didn't have..." His voice trailed off again and he swung his legs down off the tailgate. There was a burn in his eyes and his throat felt like it was closing. "I - I think it's for the best," he said to the view in front of them.

Jumping off the tailgate, Chad slid forward and pushed between Christian’s legs, grabbing his face on either side and forcing the man to look at him. There were tears burning slick trails down his cheeks but Chad didn’t look away. “Fucking say it Christian. Tell me you don’t want me in your life anymore. Tell me you want me to move out, that you want nothing more to do with me. Tell me you don’t _love_ me. And if you can say all of that and look me in the eye, then okay. I’ll go.” Chad felt sick, terrified Christian would really say it. He couldn’t handle that.

Christian's mouth opened, then closed and he tried to pull away from Chad. Nothing was going quite the way he'd planned. He wasn't used to Chad fighting back so hard. Closing his eyes against the blur of tears, Christian winced and reached blindly for Chad's chest. "I want you... to - I can't be what you need. I've got nothing, just you. You're -" Christian's voice broke and his fingers curled into Chad's shirt.

“God Christian, one of these days you’ll realize you are _all_ I need.” Chad slid forward and wrapped his arms tight around Christian, holding him close. “You’re not bringing me down or holding me back. I’m so fucking in love with you just the idea of us breaking up makes me feel like I’m _dying_. Stop trying to end this, end _us_ , because it’s all I want and all I’ll ever want. Okay?” His fingers dug into Christian’s hair, eyes squeezing closed.

Christian's face was pressed hard against Chad's shoulder and his arms tightened slowly. All he could breathe in was the scent of Chad, and that was enough for the moment. The heat of his boyfriend's body warmed him through the thin cotton of his t-shirt and Christian let out a small moan. Why he'd ever thought he'd be able to _tell_ Chad he didn't want him was beyond him. "Jared said it was a dumb idea," Christian mumbled into Chad's neck.

“It was a fucking dumb idea,” Chad huffed, holding Christian impossibly tighter. “Don’t _do_ shit like that, god Christian. Nearly broke my heart right here. _Here_ of all places.” Chad sniffed and let his hands slide down Christian’s back. His breathing was still a little ragged, his heart still racing, and he was going to kick Jared’s _ass_ for not giving him a heads up about this.

"I'm scared," Christian whispered. Somehow, it seemed safe to say it there; pressed against Chad where the words could be carried away on the wind.

“I know,” Chad breathed and pulled back slightly, eyes flickering across Christian’s features. “Do you really want to let me go though? Would you really rather have a life without me? Would it really be easier?” Chad knew that wouldn’t be the case for him, his life would be _hell_ without Christian.

Christian shook his head slowly, lips moving across Chad's neck as he did. _No,_ he didn't want to be without Chad. "I can't," he whispered, "I can't lie to you."

“Right,” Chad whispered and sighed softly, laying his hand flat on Christian’s back. Sure, he wasn’t letting the man break up with him, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t completely shaken. What if Christian changed his mind on tour? What if he found a reason not to need Chad anymore? Chad had never been as secure about Christian wanting him, but he supposed that didn’t matter. “We’ll be okay,” he said quietly, fingers stroking through the man’s hair.

All Christian could manage was a weak, "okay." His mouth was pressing kisses to Chad's neck and he pulled him in closer, tighter against his chest. "I never know... how to say things," he whispered against the heat of Chad's flesh.

Sighing softly, Chad found his head automatically tilting away from Christian, giving his lips more room to move. “I know. Sometimes though, you say the _best_ things.” Chad thought about telling Christian once more that he was all Chad could ever want but it never seemed to stick.

“Come back here, I wanna... I want -” Christian pulled roughly at Chad until he climbed back up onto the bed of the truck. “Just wanna be here for a while. Christian shifted the blankets around and made a little pad of warmth and waited for Chad to settle down near him.

Chad all but curled up against Christian, almost climbing into his lap. He wanted to shake the last of the fear away, wanted to believe that him and Christian could really make it through this. It was scary to think he couldn’t be so sure. “Will you come home to me?” Chad asked quietly, pulling off his glasses so he could rest against the man’s shoulder.

"You _are_ my home," Christian said softly. Once he had the blanket tucked around Chad's back he slipped cool fingers under his boyfriend's t-shirt and let out a relieved breath of air. One hand slid down Chad's side, bumped over his hip and then slipped under his thigh to pull the man's leg up over his own. "I can't ever get close enough," he whispered against Chad’s temple.

“Not gonna try and break up with me again?” Chad exhaled the question, body rolling up against Christian’s. His hand slipped under the back of Christian’s t-shirt, lips moving to Christian’s neck.

“Never, no,” Christian’s voice was deep and soft, barely rising above the wind. His hand slid back up to curve over the tight muscle of Chad's ass and shift him closer. "I want you, here, now," he murmured. His heart was already pounding against his chest wall and he could feel the heat of lust swirling to life inside of him.

Chad sucked in a sharp breath, body sliding up against Christian’s. “Like fate,” he breathed and laughed softly, tilting up so his lips could meet his boyfriend’s. Being _wanted_ never got old, especially when Christian sounded like that, completely caught up in the moment. His hands moved around to the front of Christian’s jeans, fingers pressing down into the man’s crotch as his thumb easily slipped the button free.

Christian's fingers combed through his boyfriend's hair gently as their lips slid together. For some reason, it was a slow burn - the way he wanted Chad, slow and sure. Maybe he wanted to let Chad know how much he loved him, how much each touch meant. "Slow," he murmured into their kiss.

They both knew Chad didn’t do slow very well, which was almost hotter than being together outside in the first place. Because Chad had to completely hand himself over to Christian, let them man set their pace. His fingers slid up, brushing through the soft wisps of hair leading a trail to Christian’s belly button. “Tell me what you thought of me that first time, when I literally walked into you at the party,” Chad whispered, letting his tongue trail over Christian’s bottom lip a moment later.

A shudder worked its way down Christian's body. Each subtle sweep of Chad's fingertips against his skin sent heat skittering through his body. "Thought you were gorgeous, didn't belong there. Knew ... I'd never seen you before - your eyes." Christian sucked in a breath when Chad's lips moved along his jaw at the same time as his fingers slipped down under his jeans.

“And when you brought me up here?” Chad hummed softly, finger tip slowly dipping down until he could circle the head of Christian’s cock. “Thought you’d fuck me? Right here?” Chad couldn’t help smiling at the thought. It sounded a lot like Christian back then, and Chad had pushed so _hard_ for them, even back then.

"I wanted you, not just this, wanted, _Jesus_..." For a few moments Christian was lost in the sensation of Chad's touch. "Would have but Iwantedmore." Christian's words ran together as Chad's body moved against his in a wave of muscle and heat.

Letting his head fall back, Christian panted softly for a few moments and let himself get lost in the sensation of _close_. "Kissing - you _God_. It was perfect. _Is_ perfect." Christian was trembling as his hands moved over Chad's body like he was trying to reassure himself that they were still there, solid, _together_.

“I’ll never forget that first kiss,” Chad whispered, lips parted so his teeth could scrap along Christian’s jaw. “Got me so hard, so fast, never thought that would ever happen to me.” Back then, Chad had known from moment one that Christian was meant to be his. His lips slid up to Christian’s ear, fingers dipping further down until he caught Christian’s cock in his grasp and stroked down. “I wanted you to fuck me, right on that rock, out here where anyone could have seen.”

“Oh God,” Christian murmured. His hips snapped up off the blanket and he slid his hand up under Chad’s t-shirt, nails dragging across the skin. “You wouldn’t... you wouldn’t let me. Said you - _Fuck, Chad._ ” Whatever he was trying to say was wiped away by Chad’s fingers stroking his cock and the way it sent heat soaring through him.

Fumbling with the blanket, Christian managed to get his fingers back into Chad’s hair so he could lift his head - their eyes locked and he stared into his boyfriend’s dark eyes. “I’ve _never_ needed anyone before. Not this...I need you, to breathe, to get up, to ...” Christian’s breath was little more than a shudder of air and he crushed his mouth to Chad’s.

Chad moaned shamelessly loud into the kiss, pressing up against Christian as he squeezed his hard flesh against his palm, twisting and stroking down. There was something more than a little dirty _wrong_ about touching Christian like this, out here, but Chad loved it. Christian had learned just how much Chad did during their road trip.

He pulled back with a gasp, head tipping back as Christian’s lips moved over his neck. “You’re absolutely everything to me,” he whispered, thumb sliding over the head and gathering pre-come. He pulled back enough so his eyes met Christian’s and he brought his hand up, sucking the salty slick from his thumb with a faint smirk.

Christian licked his lips. There was something insanely hot about Chad lapping at the come on his thumb. _Insanely_ hot. Arching his body against the blanket, Christian managed to push himself up enough to roll Chad back onto his back. He pressed down against his boyfriend; body rolling from knees to chest until they were pressed flush together. The pressure on his cock was enough to make him go completely crazy.

He held himself up with one arm, and managed to reach between their bodies and twist Chad’s button free. “Need to feel you,” Christian murmured.

“Not complaining,” Chad whispered, arching up into the heat of Christian’s touch. Christian never seemed to know just how _insane_ he made Chad and sometimes that was better. Like each touch was done with enough purpose to make Chad lose it. “Christian,” Chad gasped when the man’s knuckles rolled across his already hard cock, pressing the denim down. “God, I need you, need you in me.” Chad’s fingers dug up into Christian’s hair, scraping over his scalp.

Christian was shaking as he pushed at Chad’s jeans. “Don’t wanna hurt you,” he murmured. Sinking down he shoved Chad’s t-shirt up as his jeans lowered and nosed his way under the cotton. His teeth grazed over Chad nipple then caught it, rolling it slowly then biting down _hard_.

“W-wont,” Chad gasped and arched up into Christian’s lips. Lust spun quick through him, the desire for Christian as strong and pulsing as it always was. He writhed across the blanket, always searching for _more_. Christian was right, there was absolutely never close enough. Chad could lose himself in this forever and never grow tired of it.

Pushing himself up onto his arms, Christian stared down at Chad. His hair fell forward and Chad lifted trembling fingers to hold it back from Christian's face. Catching his bottom lip under his teeth, Christian sucked in a deep breath and shifted quickly. He rolled Chad again, pressing him face down on the soft blanket beneath them. Tugging the jeans down, his kissed Chad's ass as the pale flesh appeared, then crawled backwards until Chad could kick them off.

Then Christian took his time. He kissed each curve of muscle in Chad's legs, lapped at the tender skin behind his boyfriend's knee, nipped along the back of his thigh. Chad was shaking beneath him, fingers curling tight into the blanket and Christian settled between Chad's legs and parted the globes of his ass so he could slide his tongue along the musky skin.

“Oh Jesus Christ,” Chad groaned as he all but rolled his ass down against Christian’s searching tongue. This was certainly not something that happened often. It felt like sparks were exploding over his skin, Christian’s tongue leaving streaks of wet heat that soaked into Chad’s skin and made his mind spin. “Fuck Christian, _god_ , so good.” Chad buried his face in the curve of his arm, panting roughly as he struggled to control himself.

Christian slid his palm flat along Chad's back, pressing him down gently and rubbing, soothing his lover. He could feel the sweat beading on Chad's skin, even in the cool night air. His tongue swirled over puckered flesh, bitter, salty and he moaned as Chad's body rippled with pleasure. Lapping slowly at Chad's entrance, Christian dragged his nails down his lover's back.

The combination of touches had Chad shuddering all over again and his legs spread wider out of habit. Christian was going to _kill_ him and really, Chad couldn’t think of a better way to go. “ _Fuck_ Christian, you’re- just, just- _fuck_.” Chad laughed shakily, an explosion of noise that had his body shaking, hips rocking down against Christian.

When Chad's ass was slick with spit, Christian worked a finger in alongside his tongue. Chad was writhing impatiently beneath him and Christian pulled back once to whisper, "You stay still or I'll stop." His fingers tightened on Chad's hip and his lover stilled save for the shaking he had no control over. Christian's tongue snaked back into Chad's heat, and he stretched his lover open.

Not moving seemed almost impossible but not getting Christian out of the entire thing was a horrible thought so Chad simply gripped the blanket beneath him tighter and breathed heavily into his arm. His muscles clenched and unclenched at the intrusion, another shudder rocking through him as Christian slid another finger forward. He wasn’t sure if there really was a _too much_ but it sure felt like Christian was pushing him to that edge, testing his limits.

The truth was, Christian didn't want to wait any longer. There were times when he just _needed_ to be close to Chad, _needed_ to feel the way Chad just surrendered to him. Moaning loudly, Christian sat back until he could struggle out of his jeans and then reached out for Chad's hips to pull him up on his hands and knees.

It was fast, quick, and rough and then Christian was encased in Chad's heat. His cock throbbed with pleasure as Chad's body twitched around him and Christian let out a rough cry.

Chad’s arms nearly gave out, his head falling to hang between them as pleasure washed through him wave after wave. “Christian,” he whispered, gasping when the man pulled out and crying out when he slammed roughly forward once more. “Please, god, yes, _fuck me_.” Chad had never had a problem begging for the man, and as his muscles clenched around his lover, his hips rolled down back against him.

Chad's pleas always turned Christian's insides to jelly. He lurched forward until he could wrap his arms around Chad's waist and lift him higher. When Chad was trying half-heartedly to support himself on the side of the truck Christian pressed his body flat to Chad's back and panted.

"Fuck, you're so perfect. You're the only thing that makes the hurt go away." Sucking in a breath, Christian shifted his hips slowly, teasing out more small cries from his lover.

Something twisted in Chad at Christian’s words and he sucked in shaky breaths, moving back against his lover as much as he could. “I love you,” he whispered, which was the only thing he could think of to say in response. So many parts of him were _thrilled_ knowing he was the only one to make Christian feel good and Chad wasn’t sure if that was normal or not. And he really didn’t care.

Christian's hands moved the length of Chad's arms until he could thread their fingers together and his hips began a slow, deep roll. Each slid forward slapped his balls against Chad's ass, and Christian's moans grew louder, rougher. Sweat trickled down the back of his neck and was cooled almost instantly by the wind but nothing felt better than the way his cock slid into the clench of Chad's ass.

Chad was so close to coming he couldn’t see straight, so he kept his eyes closed and let each of Christian’s deep thrusts rock through him. The man moved up against his prostate, over and over, and Chad was breathing so hard his chest was aching. “M’gonna -” he gasped, shaking his head roughly. He was going to come without being touched and he didn’t care. Christian’s hips moved forward and Chad’s body shuddered, his release catching hold of him so quickly, he barely managed a half moan of his lover’s name.

The clench of Chad's body around his cock sent a sharp slice of pleasure through Christian's body. He fell forward, hips rolling against the firm, smooth skin of Chad's ass and he came. Each jolt of his release made his entire body tremble and twitch. His muscles were loose and weak and he collapsed against Chad's back, trying to breathe as he moaned and sighed.

It was barely a minute before Chad’s arms finally gave out and he collapsed on the truck bed, Christian falling down with him. The weight was oddly comforting, Christian’s heavy press familiar, warm, bringing a smile to Chad’s lips. “Never gets old,” he whispered after a while, squeezing Christian’s fingers still linked with his.

Christian mustered enough energy to slip himself free and fall off to the side. Falling onto his back, he groaned and then shivered. "Kiss," he murmured and grabbed weakly at Chad's arm.

Chad laughed softly and shifted across Christian’s chest, letting their lips slide together. “I’m going to miss you,” he whispered into the kiss, pressing in a little harder as the words made him shake.

Christian's tongue pushed past Chad's lips; he wanted no more words. They cut through him, tearing at his heart because he couldn't even imagine how he was going to get in that van in the morning and drive away from the only person who mattered to him. A half whimper nestled deep in Christian's throat and he curled his arms tight around his lover.

Chad kissed his boyfriend until his lips were numb and he could hardly breathe. Then he pulled back and laid his head on the man’s shoulder, snagging the blanket to pull over them both. There were tears along his eyes and Chad sighed. “Christian, don’t...” The words were on the tip of his tongue, _don’t go, don’t leave me_ , but Chad bit them back. It wasn’t fair to ask. “Don’t forget to call every day,” he said instead, voice tight, eyes clenching shut.

"I'll call," Christian said huskily. Pulling Chad across his body, he sighed and stared up at the nigh sky above them. "Take care of my truck." His heart was still pounding, body still twitching and relaxing and he couldn't believe how much everything was going to change in the morning.

“I will,” Chad whispered and turned to hide his face in Christian’s neck so the man wouldn’t see the tears that were now, of course, coming with force. “I’m sure it’ll be good for you guys,” he mumbled the words, clutching tightly to Christian, trying to force himself to believe it.

"Shhh, I don't wanna -" Christian's voice felt too shaky and he just shook his head and hauled Chad half across his chest. He knew what the wet heat was on his throat, could feel the dampness of Chad's tears and it was all he could do to keep his emotions in check.

“Okay.” There wasn’t really anything to say to that. Chad had always known he was the more emotional of the two of them. And sure Christian was going to miss him, not saying it didn’t make it so. Chad just kind of wished he was going to be the one on tour, at least then he’d be surrounded by his closest friends. Chad was trying not to be a wreck about the entire thing so he sniffed once more and pulled back enough to wipe at his eyes as subtly as he could.

When he looked down, Christian saw the moonlight catch on the tear streaks on Chad's face. Sighing, he hooked a finger under Chad's chin and made him meet his gaze. He wiped at the tears with the back of his finger and smiled slightly. "I'm going to miss you so much I don't even know how to leave." He knew Chad needed the words sometimes. "I'm gonna wanna come back the second I'm gone."

Chad’s lips twitched slightly in a smile and he thought once more about asking Christian not to go. Thankfully, Chad had never been that selfish. “It’s not that long right? You’ll be back soon and I... I’ll be waiting for you.” He looked away when another wave of sadness washed over him. It really shouldn’t be so painful.

“I’ll be back before you know it. You gotta keep Jared sane, remember?” Christian tried to lighten the mood, bring Chad back away from the sadness. “He’s going crazy with wedding stuff.”

“I know,” Chad said quietly, trying to give Christian a little brighter smile. “You’ll call?”

“Chad, God.” Christian’s hands slid over his boyfriend’s cheeks. “I promise I will stay in touch. You can call me on my cell anytime, text me. I’ll email and call and send a fuckin’ carrier pigeon if I can find one, okay?” Smiling, he kissed Chad’s lips softly and leaned back on the blanket.

“Okay.” Chad nodded, feeling the heat of a flush as he dipped his head down to lay on Christian’s shoulder again. He was just a little embarrassed by his behavior. Maybe he just wasn’t _okay_ with the idea of Christian going and he couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen. “Well, I’m sure you’ll be great,” he said quietly, laying his hand flat on Christian’s chest. Maybe he just wasn’t in the mood to be teased on a night like this.

“It’s good for … it’s good for the band.” Christian wasn’t very convinced that going on tour was particularly good for him but it was something he’d committed to long ago. “You’ll be working and when I come back, we have the wedding. Maybe we could move to a bigger place then, something with a garden so I can barbeque.”

“Yeah, we’ll have to look into that.” Chad smiled briefly at the idea of Christian in an apron and a chef’s hat. “Take on some of the burden of cooking.” He would sound a lot happier if he could stop the ache in his chest over the whole, letting Christian go for a while.

“It’s gonna be fine.” Christian stroked Chad’s hair and pulled the blanket a little tighter around them.


End file.
